We’ve been receiving reports from postmen all over the country that suspiciously heavy packages have entered the system. This is not unusual for this time of year, however, the news is still disturbing. We suspect that the majority of those packages contain fruitcake.
Why is this such a problem?
Fruitcakes, because of their extreme density, are changing the gravitational pull of the earth. You may have noticed this yourself. If you’ve stepped on the scale and noticed a few extra pounds, it’s not you, it’s fruitcake. What you’re experiencing is the increase in the downwards weight force, driving you harder into the scale. This is also responsible for additional inches around the waist, as you become shorter, and the weight is redistributed. The height difference often goes unnoticed, but the increased circumference is a mirror of the equatorial bulge and is much easier to spot on casual observation.*
The natural progression of this phenomenon will eventually turn the planet into a black hole, as the gravitational pull gets so intense that everything is sucked into the center of the earth. **
Although sufferers can find relief by avoiding Christmas parties and increasing time at the gym, this is a temporary fix, as the effects are magnified each holiday season.
Unfortunately, the damage is done, and it is impossible to take any fruitcakes out of circulation. However, we can try to stop the process by keeping any more fruitcakes from being created.
Please, don’t bake a fruitcake. Don’t buy a fruitcake. If you get a fruitcake this Christmas, please do the responsible thing and regift, reuse, and recycle. Together, we can do this. We can save the planet, one fruitcake at a time.
—
*Fruitcake, and it effect on gravity hasn’t actually been studied by any “real” scientists. Since they’re dropping the ball here, we’re making our own claims. Let them prove us wrong.
**Ditto
—
For more about gravity, we give you Miss USA contestants: