If you’ve ever received a fruitcake, you’ll likely agree that the smaller it is, the better you like it. A normal, run-of-the-mill fruitcake runs anywhere from one to three pounds, which is small enough to hide in the back of the cupboard, or pass along to someone else, relatively unnoticed until you’ve made your exit.
We’ve seen four pound, and even five pound fruitcakes on occasion. And, once found a 10 pounder. That still wasn’t big enough for some folks.
For example, Gladys, who seems like a nice lady, until you realize that she is offering to sell fruitcakes weighing 150 pounds.
Not to be outdone by a sweet little lady from Texas, a team of 20 bakers in the eastern German city of Dresden created a giant holiday fruitcake weighing three tons. Let that sink in for a moment. Three tons of fruitcake. Makes us quake in our boots at the mere thought.
But that’s not the biggest.
Bakers in Managua, Nicaragua decided to go where no one had gone before, and baked an enormous fruitcake that stretched 1640 feet and weighed in at a whopping 31,865 pounds, which is just shy of 16 tons. Imagine what that does to the earth’s gravitational pull. If the weather is off this season, you can blame them for throwing the earth off its axis.
Where will this insanity end? It’s as if these people won’t be happy until entire continents are covered in the sticky, cloyingly sweet confection.
We have news for them: If they were to gather up all the fruitcakes currently in circulation, they would easily cover the surface of at least one continent. And, if they did gather them all up, the rest of us would be extremely grateful.