In today’s Portage Daily Register (probably Wisconsin, but I’m not big on research), they ran a story titled: You don’t have to be nuts to eat this fruitcake; maligned holiday food is cornerstone of church bazaar. (Possibly the longest headline in the history of headlines.)

methodist fruit cake
Clarice Rosing, co-chairwoman of the Bushel Basket Bazaar, was quoted as saying, “There’s very little batter, all candied fruit and nuts. We call it the Methodist fruitcake.” Forgive me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that describe every other fruitcake in existence?

And, look at Clarice in the photo, hiding behind her “Friends don’t give friends fruitcake” sign, just daring people to buy them. It evidently worked, because they sold everything they baked.

The sad part is, their fruitcakes don’t have any alcohol in them at all. This means those fruitcakes will make terrible yule logs, because without alcohol, there is no flame.

Mary Ellen Johnson said, “You would not have enough time to regift it because it would be gone.” And unfortunately, we believe her. Most fruitcake hits the trashcan while still wearing its festive giftwrap. If only people would heed our advice:

1. Don’t make fruitcake
2. If you get a fruitcake, for the sake of all that’s holy, please protect our environment, and pass it on.

And, yes, you do have to be nuts to eat fruitcake. Even Methodist ones.