I am writing on behalf of Dentists Against Fruitcake Defamation, and frankly, we are MAD at your flagrant characterization of fruitcakes as evil!! Many people give them as gifts (often to those they don’t really like) and you should not look a gift fruitcake in the mouth! Just eat it! (or at least try it) You may like it! Or more likely, you will break a tooth or two and keep your friendly dentist busy. Or possibly your denture wearing friends will have them stuck permanently in the sticky gooey mess and need their dentist to perform a fruitcake exorcism on the dentures. If nothing else, fruitcake provides a good mouth muscle workout as you chew forever, not knowing if you can wait till the gift giver turns his back (so you can spit it in the nearest planter), or if you dare try to swallow the stuff.
So you see there are many good reasons why you should stop this nasty defamation of what dentists call the “edible emergency”. What you are calling a dangerous proliferation of fruitcake is nothing less than a financial stimulus package for our world’s economy! (at least for the dentists) If you do not discontinue this hurtful slander, you may have a fruitcake shatter your front window… or worse yet, end up finding a dead fruitcake on your pillow!
This bit of fun is courtesy of Bruce C. McArthur, DDS; a real dentist